A confession

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
-James 1:2-4


I don't like to let verses like the ones above sink into my heart.
I prefer to memorize a verse like Matthew 7:7, which tells me that if I ask for something, it will be given to me. Or verses about how God loves me.

In James 1:2-4, it is basically a PROMISE that if you are a follower of Christ, you will face trials, over and over again. It doesn't say IF you face trials. It says WHEN.

The dictionary definition of trial is: the act of trying, testing, or putting to the proof.

So, if we say to God "I trust you", then we will face trials testing and putting to proof that statement of trust.

My sickness is that I look at others around me, and I only see the blessings they receive. And in my life, I only see the trials. Sure, I try to see my blessings, and they should be easy to find. But the trials cry out louder, overshadowing the goodness that has been bestowed on me.

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A confession: Recently, I have really been struggling. You might even call it it a crisis of faith. I believe in God. I love God. I just don't like Him very much sometimes. I question His motives and intentions.

I doubt His love for me. I doubt He'll ever bless me with the one thing that's most important to me. I flip flop. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have all the faith in the world. But the devil is constantly whispering lies in my ears.

Of course He wouldn't bless you with that. He wants to bless everyone with that BUT you just to make you squirm.

These experiences definitely remind me that I'm not fighting against flesh and blood. But I AM fighting against my own flesh.

Quite honestly, I've been angry with God recently. It's been difficult to spend a significant amount of time with Him. I don't know if people have noticed. They probably have. I'm sure it's shown in my face and in my actions, since I'm uncontrollably transparent. I just don't understand WHY He would put me through this pain. We all have personal mountains that are the biggest in our lives. This is mine. I know it is a molehill compared to other people. People who have lost dear loved ones. People who have experienced nothing but heartache their whole lives. But, this is my giant. And I nurse it with negative thoughts, sadness, and depression. I feed its attitude with my doubt and insecurity.

I feel like I have been waiting, waiting, waiting for the ONE thing I feel I was truly created for. Gosh, if it was simply about just being crazy about children, I would be a teacher for the rest of my life, and have tons of friends with children. But it's this ache inside of me, this absolute NEED to nurture. I try to stave it with nurturing my friendships, but lately that has even faltered. I have felt tears well up, even in the midst of wonderful friends. As I see announcement after announcement of pregnancies, I swallow the lump in my throat, and I become a person that I don't want to be. Seeds of bitterness are trying to grow inside my heart. Recently, it hasn't even been just about pregnancy. I have seriously considered adoption, but it seems that my efforts in getting more information haven't yet been successful. Almost as if God is putting a road block in it right now.

All of these emotions aren't easy to talk about with people. I think in person, I tend to downplay how I'm feeling because I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable with my whining. It's much easier to write about them than to try and explain it when I'm hearing it come out of my own mouth. There's no medium. It's either I wallow in my pain, or I downplay it as if it's not important. Neither is right.

Physically, I am worn down. I pray for healing, yet I still have issues with my immune system every single month.

Spiritually, I feel worn out. I try to push through it, but sometimes I feel like weights are on me, and I'm drowning.

Emotionally, I am just about spent. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Much harder than picking up and leaving our home to live overseas for four months. I trusted God more when I was halfway across the world.


I know one thing. Experiencing this pain without God isn't easy at all. Yet on the flipside, It's such a difficult thing to run to Him, when my mind wants to point fingers at Him as the reason for my pain.

But I've got to stop pointing fingers and pouting.

I've got to understand that there is ALWAYS a reason for the significant things in my life. This is just a season that I can't see the end of right now. Looking back, the things that I questioned are the things that God worked out for good. Why would it be any different with this?

I am heartsick, but I'm not ready to give up. And I'm ready to feel the comforting arms of my Father again, instead of running away from them because I feel hurt.

[I am] pressed on every side by troubles, but [I am] not crushed. [I am] perplexed, but not driven to despair.[I am] hunted down, but never abandoned by God. [I] get knocked down, but [I am] not destroyed. Through suffering, [my body] continues to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in [my body]. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

It's time to get my boxing gloves on again. Pray for me as I start over again, as I have so many times before. Praise God that He is forgiving and always ready to welcome back His prodigal sons and daughters.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:13-17).

The ache in my heart

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

-1 Samuel 1:10-11



I want to talk to you about the biggest struggle in my life right now.

I feel like we all personally have those areas in our lives that are more difficult than others.

The areas where it becomes harder and harder to give Sunday school answers to your heart. The area where it's difficult to make your heart coincide with your mind.

I know God loves me. I know that in this area, He has something better than I could ever imagine.

I know this in my mind.
But my hearts still aches with the absence of these dreams being fulfilled.

The struggle I'm referring to is children.

Two years and three months ago, Wesley and I decided we wanted to start trying to have children. It's funny, remembering that I thought birth control was preventing me from having kids. Really, it wouldn't have made any difference if I was on the birth control or not.

Four months into trying, I lost my monthly cycles. I didn't get them back for one year. In between all of that, I was diagnosed with PCOS and Hypothyroidism. A double whammy to affect fertility. I took Clomid, a medication to induce ovulation, for three cycles. I ovulated for two out of three of the medicated cycles, but no pregnancy. Clomid made me crazy. I was depressed, my mood swings were extreme, and I just felt bad. It made every emotion feel like a tidal wave knocking me down. At the end of the last medicated cycle, Wesley and I began praying about pursuing a long-term mission trip overseas. Despite the ache in my heart, I had something to distract myself from the struggle. When we finally decided to go, I felt in my heart that we should stop hardcore trying since we were going to be going overseas anyway.

We left for Thailand in September 2010. Each month I hoped to get pregnant, but we were so busy trying to further the kingdom that my struggle seemed silly compared to spreading the gospel. Yet again, another distraction to help redirect the longing in my heart.

Now we're back in the states, and the ache has intensified. It is almost unbearable sometimes. When it comes, it's like it effects everything--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I literally feel intense pain in my heart, my emotions overtake, and I begin to doubt God. I have days where I do much better than others, but the underlying pain is always there.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "why?" question with God. I have seen so many women from my graduating class go on the have one, sometimes two babies by now. With ease. No worrying about fertility. No struggle. No heartache. I wonder what that must be like.

My cycles are irregular, so each month there's a 50/50 chance I will get my hopes up that I'm pregnant. I wish, more than anything, I could just be regular, and avoid the guessing and eventual disappointment. I wish God could just give me that. This month, I've simply skipped. I went 14 days wondering. Hoping. Wondering if this would be the month. A blood test confirmed the absence of conception, and as always, I fell apart for a little while. How I wish I could just get down "God is GOOD" in every situation. I wish I could stand firm in the face of this pain. But frankly, that is a huge struggle for me. Sometimes, the temptation is to think "God loves me in every area BUT this area." Again, I KNOW that this is not true. But my heart doesn't know, because it hurts.

Lately, we've been thinking about the possibility of adopting an infant from our state. We recently found out about Florida Baptist Childrens Home, which bases the adoption cost on your income. They link you with a mother before the infant is born, and then you would adopt after the child is born. Please pray for us as we continue to explore this as an option. We're trying to search what God is leading us to, and we covet your prayers as we seek His will.
The problem is, Wesley still doesn't have a job. With a biological child, we would have 9 months of preparation. With adoption, after the paperwork and training, it might not be that long before we were approved for a child. And I know we couldn't support a child on my income alone. Yet again, my ache must be tolerated. And honestly, I am sick of this pain. I am sick of feeling like I can't fulfill the ONE thing I know I'm called to. I knew I was called to be a mother from a very young age. Yet it seems it is the one thing that is unattainable in my life right now.

People tell me, lovingly and with good intentions, that God will bless me in His timing. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. How to cope.

It is so hard to see the light at the end of this dark season, but I have to remind myself that it IS coming! God wouldn't put this desire in my heart and then not fulfill it!

I wish I could just get this down. It seems like right when I think I might be at peace about this season, I'm flat on my face, crying out before God again. Asking "why, why, why?" when I should be saying "Yes, Lord, your will be done."