A confession

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
-James 1:2-4


I don't like to let verses like the ones above sink into my heart.
I prefer to memorize a verse like Matthew 7:7, which tells me that if I ask for something, it will be given to me. Or verses about how God loves me.

In James 1:2-4, it is basically a PROMISE that if you are a follower of Christ, you will face trials, over and over again. It doesn't say IF you face trials. It says WHEN.

The dictionary definition of trial is: the act of trying, testing, or putting to the proof.

So, if we say to God "I trust you", then we will face trials testing and putting to proof that statement of trust.

My sickness is that I look at others around me, and I only see the blessings they receive. And in my life, I only see the trials. Sure, I try to see my blessings, and they should be easy to find. But the trials cry out louder, overshadowing the goodness that has been bestowed on me.

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A confession: Recently, I have really been struggling. You might even call it it a crisis of faith. I believe in God. I love God. I just don't like Him very much sometimes. I question His motives and intentions.

I doubt His love for me. I doubt He'll ever bless me with the one thing that's most important to me. I flip flop. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have all the faith in the world. But the devil is constantly whispering lies in my ears.

Of course He wouldn't bless you with that. He wants to bless everyone with that BUT you just to make you squirm.

These experiences definitely remind me that I'm not fighting against flesh and blood. But I AM fighting against my own flesh.

Quite honestly, I've been angry with God recently. It's been difficult to spend a significant amount of time with Him. I don't know if people have noticed. They probably have. I'm sure it's shown in my face and in my actions, since I'm uncontrollably transparent. I just don't understand WHY He would put me through this pain. We all have personal mountains that are the biggest in our lives. This is mine. I know it is a molehill compared to other people. People who have lost dear loved ones. People who have experienced nothing but heartache their whole lives. But, this is my giant. And I nurse it with negative thoughts, sadness, and depression. I feed its attitude with my doubt and insecurity.

I feel like I have been waiting, waiting, waiting for the ONE thing I feel I was truly created for. Gosh, if it was simply about just being crazy about children, I would be a teacher for the rest of my life, and have tons of friends with children. But it's this ache inside of me, this absolute NEED to nurture. I try to stave it with nurturing my friendships, but lately that has even faltered. I have felt tears well up, even in the midst of wonderful friends. As I see announcement after announcement of pregnancies, I swallow the lump in my throat, and I become a person that I don't want to be. Seeds of bitterness are trying to grow inside my heart. Recently, it hasn't even been just about pregnancy. I have seriously considered adoption, but it seems that my efforts in getting more information haven't yet been successful. Almost as if God is putting a road block in it right now.

All of these emotions aren't easy to talk about with people. I think in person, I tend to downplay how I'm feeling because I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable with my whining. It's much easier to write about them than to try and explain it when I'm hearing it come out of my own mouth. There's no medium. It's either I wallow in my pain, or I downplay it as if it's not important. Neither is right.

Physically, I am worn down. I pray for healing, yet I still have issues with my immune system every single month.

Spiritually, I feel worn out. I try to push through it, but sometimes I feel like weights are on me, and I'm drowning.

Emotionally, I am just about spent. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Much harder than picking up and leaving our home to live overseas for four months. I trusted God more when I was halfway across the world.


I know one thing. Experiencing this pain without God isn't easy at all. Yet on the flipside, It's such a difficult thing to run to Him, when my mind wants to point fingers at Him as the reason for my pain.

But I've got to stop pointing fingers and pouting.

I've got to understand that there is ALWAYS a reason for the significant things in my life. This is just a season that I can't see the end of right now. Looking back, the things that I questioned are the things that God worked out for good. Why would it be any different with this?

I am heartsick, but I'm not ready to give up. And I'm ready to feel the comforting arms of my Father again, instead of running away from them because I feel hurt.

[I am] pressed on every side by troubles, but [I am] not crushed. [I am] perplexed, but not driven to despair.[I am] hunted down, but never abandoned by God. [I] get knocked down, but [I am] not destroyed. Through suffering, [my body] continues to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in [my body]. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

It's time to get my boxing gloves on again. Pray for me as I start over again, as I have so many times before. Praise God that He is forgiving and always ready to welcome back His prodigal sons and daughters.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:13-17).

Testing the waters

Since returning to the states on January 6th, 2011, my life has been a whirlwind of trial and error.

Trial - Wondering if thinking back to Thailand too much will cause me to not adjust well to the U.S.

Error - Since this is the case, I honestly haven't been able to bring myself to think of Thailand too much these days. It just hurts my heart right now. I'm hoping that one day soon this will pass, because I love experiencing my memories from Thailand. I can revisit bits and pieces of my journey there, but dwelling brings sadness and longing.

Trial - Believing that we would get professional jobs fairly easily as soon as we got back to the states.

Error - This was definitely not true. But I will joyfully work full time at Cracker Barrel if this is God's plan. (interview there tomorrow!)

Trial - I will get things done if I don't set a schedule for myself

Error - This is so not true. I need discipline, and a schedule. I MUST live with purpose.

Trial - Being overseas helped me become more outgoing, therefore it's easier for me to make friends than before.

Error - While part of this is true, no matter how many friends I make, they won't 100% relate to me because they weren't there with me for those four months. This is the elephant in the room, and I don't know how to verbalize my journey very well.

Trial - Believing I could somehow become content in any situation since I went through so much in Asia.

Error - Mostly true, although I did subconsciously resolve to dislike Florida when I first got here. It's growing on me, though. The 70 + degree weather in January is helping some :) I think because it reminds me of Asia.

I didn't expect to just go back to the way things were. Besides the fact that I'm living in a state I've never lived in before, there's the obvious factor of adapting to a different culture. I have Asian blood in me now.

Having images like this in my head and in my heart will never let me be the same.