The ache in my heart

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

-1 Samuel 1:10-11



I want to talk to you about the biggest struggle in my life right now.

I feel like we all personally have those areas in our lives that are more difficult than others.

The areas where it becomes harder and harder to give Sunday school answers to your heart. The area where it's difficult to make your heart coincide with your mind.

I know God loves me. I know that in this area, He has something better than I could ever imagine.

I know this in my mind.
But my hearts still aches with the absence of these dreams being fulfilled.

The struggle I'm referring to is children.

Two years and three months ago, Wesley and I decided we wanted to start trying to have children. It's funny, remembering that I thought birth control was preventing me from having kids. Really, it wouldn't have made any difference if I was on the birth control or not.

Four months into trying, I lost my monthly cycles. I didn't get them back for one year. In between all of that, I was diagnosed with PCOS and Hypothyroidism. A double whammy to affect fertility. I took Clomid, a medication to induce ovulation, for three cycles. I ovulated for two out of three of the medicated cycles, but no pregnancy. Clomid made me crazy. I was depressed, my mood swings were extreme, and I just felt bad. It made every emotion feel like a tidal wave knocking me down. At the end of the last medicated cycle, Wesley and I began praying about pursuing a long-term mission trip overseas. Despite the ache in my heart, I had something to distract myself from the struggle. When we finally decided to go, I felt in my heart that we should stop hardcore trying since we were going to be going overseas anyway.

We left for Thailand in September 2010. Each month I hoped to get pregnant, but we were so busy trying to further the kingdom that my struggle seemed silly compared to spreading the gospel. Yet again, another distraction to help redirect the longing in my heart.

Now we're back in the states, and the ache has intensified. It is almost unbearable sometimes. When it comes, it's like it effects everything--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I literally feel intense pain in my heart, my emotions overtake, and I begin to doubt God. I have days where I do much better than others, but the underlying pain is always there.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "why?" question with God. I have seen so many women from my graduating class go on the have one, sometimes two babies by now. With ease. No worrying about fertility. No struggle. No heartache. I wonder what that must be like.

My cycles are irregular, so each month there's a 50/50 chance I will get my hopes up that I'm pregnant. I wish, more than anything, I could just be regular, and avoid the guessing and eventual disappointment. I wish God could just give me that. This month, I've simply skipped. I went 14 days wondering. Hoping. Wondering if this would be the month. A blood test confirmed the absence of conception, and as always, I fell apart for a little while. How I wish I could just get down "God is GOOD" in every situation. I wish I could stand firm in the face of this pain. But frankly, that is a huge struggle for me. Sometimes, the temptation is to think "God loves me in every area BUT this area." Again, I KNOW that this is not true. But my heart doesn't know, because it hurts.

Lately, we've been thinking about the possibility of adopting an infant from our state. We recently found out about Florida Baptist Childrens Home, which bases the adoption cost on your income. They link you with a mother before the infant is born, and then you would adopt after the child is born. Please pray for us as we continue to explore this as an option. We're trying to search what God is leading us to, and we covet your prayers as we seek His will.
The problem is, Wesley still doesn't have a job. With a biological child, we would have 9 months of preparation. With adoption, after the paperwork and training, it might not be that long before we were approved for a child. And I know we couldn't support a child on my income alone. Yet again, my ache must be tolerated. And honestly, I am sick of this pain. I am sick of feeling like I can't fulfill the ONE thing I know I'm called to. I knew I was called to be a mother from a very young age. Yet it seems it is the one thing that is unattainable in my life right now.

People tell me, lovingly and with good intentions, that God will bless me in His timing. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. How to cope.

It is so hard to see the light at the end of this dark season, but I have to remind myself that it IS coming! God wouldn't put this desire in my heart and then not fulfill it!

I wish I could just get this down. It seems like right when I think I might be at peace about this season, I'm flat on my face, crying out before God again. Asking "why, why, why?" when I should be saying "Yes, Lord, your will be done."