God gave us a memory so that we might have roses in December.

My current [personal] wishing list:

1) Financial independence
A. A better job for Wesley with full benefits
B. Auto insurance
C. Affordable housing
D. Money in savings/ability to begin paying all bills, not just some
E. Enough money to see people I love more than once a year

2) A precious, adorable, wonderful, God's first and secondly all-mine baby, through
adoption or the miracle of pregnancy :)

3) To stop with this insecurity foolishness that I have already conquered through Christ!

4) To get to travel out of the country again within the next year

***

January to August has been my December at times. In some ways, the things happening are beautiful bouquets of roses. At other times, I'm constantly looking back to the flowers that bloomed at a different point in my life. And looking forward to future blooms. It's finding the contentment, no matter the environment.

And I honestly struggle with that.

At the rate we have been going, Wesley and I won't have my wishing list for several years. In other words, something needs to change. Something's gotta give. I have tried so hard to wait patiently. To wait and see God reveal His plan, centimeter by centimeter. But so far, I can't see anything that's only one step in front of me. I want to move forward, but circumstance has me glued to the surface of this current season. Something as stupid as money has me at a frozen state of stand-still.

Why does money make the world go 'round, or fight to determine whether I'm lost or found?
It drives me crazy.

I'm so ready for some forward motion.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. -Psalms 34:6-10

In 3 months...

We took our last scooter ride down the streets of Chiang Mai, Thailand.

We moved to Florida and reunited with our boys.

I was blessed to help out with REdefined 2011, a teen girl event that taught them what it meant to be princesses of God. We had worship, skits, and powerful messages.




We met some amazing new friends.

(In fact, so many new friends that I still haven't gotten to take pictures with all of them.)

We moved into a new house.

And I get to hang out with these beautiful children.

***

The last three months have had extreme ups and downs.

But these photos don't lie.

I heart this life. I can't wait to see what pictures I'll have of the next three months.

The other side of international mission work

"Submit to God and be at peace with Him; in this way prosperity will come to you."- Job 22:21

International mission work is often held to a high status in the evangelical community.

So many people, while just trying to be encouraging, would tell Wesley and I how amazing we were to pick up and move to a foreign country, all for God. I would always want to roll my eyes at statements like that. I understood that people were just trying to be encouraging, but I couldn't help but think how NOT amazing this made us. Every day we had failures in some way, shape, or form. Our timidness for cultural merging would prevent us from having a conversation with a Buddhist. Culture shock would leave us wanting to cuss out every Asian that walked too slow (though of course, we never did). We selfishly spent too much money on a Western meal because we were missing home. Time and time again, we failed, and God reminded us that we were no better people for making this move. We were simply being obedient.

I was the same as so many people. I thought of international missions as this Utopia of wonderfulness and glamor. The excitement, traveling, new sights would leave me thinking how "great" I would be for the calling. I thought of missionaries, especially the rough and tough, as these flawless creatures who were a million times more Godly than I was. Instead, when you're put into those shoes, it's almost as if God shows you that much more what a complete wretch you are. I had constant guilt just being from America, a place that hoards so many things that the other side of the world needs.

And again, I find myself in the rude awakening of reality. I'm not sure why, but as a missionary that "sacrificed" so much, I thought well, why wouldn't God immediately bless us financially when we returned to the United States? In my mind, we had given up so much--a home, our dogs, our vehicles, significant amounts of money, stable jobs with great benefits, and familiarity. Plus, I had met older missionaries who returned to the United States and were well off. It seemed to make sense in my head. If you give it all up, doesn't God promise to bless you with more than you had before? Just look at Job.

Instead, this season has been the single most difficult season in our marriage. We rely on public health care and government assistance. We currently only have one car. We don't have insurance on that car. I hardly ever see Wesley and yes, although he is working, he gets paid in commission, and the past two weeks haven't been good. It's been three weeks of him working without a paycheck. I took a pay cut of more than half. We are up to our ears in school debt, but have no way to pay it at this point. I don't know what we would've done if my mom hadn't opened up her home to us, and I'm eternally grateful...but it's depressing to think that I'm almost 25, childless, financially unstable, and back living with my mother, especially now that I'm married. Wesley and I haven't had a home to ourselves for seven months. Seven. With possibly many more months to come.

Coupled with financial difficulties, you have the heartbreak tremors that come at random times in the day. Something will remind you of Thailand, and the girls you met on the street, and your heart will ache to know how they're doing and wondering if they're still selling their bodies for money. Wondering if they're still having to deal with the slimy, elderly American men that come to Asia for that degrading purpose. You are missing someone ALL the time, because being a missionary plants and then stretches you all over the world. This life is an endless cycle of hellos, goodbyes, and see you laters.

And again, my expectations have failed me. Whether in Asia or in Florida, things aren't how I expected them to be. I keep searching for God's purpose in allowing us to struggle so much these first few months back in the states. As Wesley is looking to change his job for a third time in three months, I'm wondering what God is trying to teach us. And I'm wondering if it's also a little bit of the enemy, too. Or a lot a bit. After all, if we struggle this much coming back, why would we ever go back? Why would we ever uproot again, only to go through these difficulties all over again? But I guess I hoped God would advocate for us, and protect us from his schemes. Because we were HIS missionaries. But sometimes, God's protection doesn't come in the ways we expect it to. But that doesn't mean it isn't there, an ever present help in time of need.

One thing the enemy doesn't understand though is this: despite all that we've endured so far, I would do it all over again. Every last bit of it. All the money and comfort in the world couldn't stop me from making that choice to uproot again. Because God is in it. And I feel Him in this, too, although my flesh cries out in disagreement. As I'm left wondering how we're going to make a trip to Tennessee next month on what we have, I have to remember that the same God that protected us overseas is here with us now.

The same God that provided for us there, will provide for us now.

And this story isn't over. Not even close.


The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing! -Psalm 34:10

A confession

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
-James 1:2-4


I don't like to let verses like the ones above sink into my heart.
I prefer to memorize a verse like Matthew 7:7, which tells me that if I ask for something, it will be given to me. Or verses about how God loves me.

In James 1:2-4, it is basically a PROMISE that if you are a follower of Christ, you will face trials, over and over again. It doesn't say IF you face trials. It says WHEN.

The dictionary definition of trial is: the act of trying, testing, or putting to the proof.

So, if we say to God "I trust you", then we will face trials testing and putting to proof that statement of trust.

My sickness is that I look at others around me, and I only see the blessings they receive. And in my life, I only see the trials. Sure, I try to see my blessings, and they should be easy to find. But the trials cry out louder, overshadowing the goodness that has been bestowed on me.

***

A confession: Recently, I have really been struggling. You might even call it it a crisis of faith. I believe in God. I love God. I just don't like Him very much sometimes. I question His motives and intentions.

I doubt His love for me. I doubt He'll ever bless me with the one thing that's most important to me. I flip flop. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have all the faith in the world. But the devil is constantly whispering lies in my ears.

Of course He wouldn't bless you with that. He wants to bless everyone with that BUT you just to make you squirm.

These experiences definitely remind me that I'm not fighting against flesh and blood. But I AM fighting against my own flesh.

Quite honestly, I've been angry with God recently. It's been difficult to spend a significant amount of time with Him. I don't know if people have noticed. They probably have. I'm sure it's shown in my face and in my actions, since I'm uncontrollably transparent. I just don't understand WHY He would put me through this pain. We all have personal mountains that are the biggest in our lives. This is mine. I know it is a molehill compared to other people. People who have lost dear loved ones. People who have experienced nothing but heartache their whole lives. But, this is my giant. And I nurse it with negative thoughts, sadness, and depression. I feed its attitude with my doubt and insecurity.

I feel like I have been waiting, waiting, waiting for the ONE thing I feel I was truly created for. Gosh, if it was simply about just being crazy about children, I would be a teacher for the rest of my life, and have tons of friends with children. But it's this ache inside of me, this absolute NEED to nurture. I try to stave it with nurturing my friendships, but lately that has even faltered. I have felt tears well up, even in the midst of wonderful friends. As I see announcement after announcement of pregnancies, I swallow the lump in my throat, and I become a person that I don't want to be. Seeds of bitterness are trying to grow inside my heart. Recently, it hasn't even been just about pregnancy. I have seriously considered adoption, but it seems that my efforts in getting more information haven't yet been successful. Almost as if God is putting a road block in it right now.

All of these emotions aren't easy to talk about with people. I think in person, I tend to downplay how I'm feeling because I don't want to make the other person uncomfortable with my whining. It's much easier to write about them than to try and explain it when I'm hearing it come out of my own mouth. There's no medium. It's either I wallow in my pain, or I downplay it as if it's not important. Neither is right.

Physically, I am worn down. I pray for healing, yet I still have issues with my immune system every single month.

Spiritually, I feel worn out. I try to push through it, but sometimes I feel like weights are on me, and I'm drowning.

Emotionally, I am just about spent. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Much harder than picking up and leaving our home to live overseas for four months. I trusted God more when I was halfway across the world.


I know one thing. Experiencing this pain without God isn't easy at all. Yet on the flipside, It's such a difficult thing to run to Him, when my mind wants to point fingers at Him as the reason for my pain.

But I've got to stop pointing fingers and pouting.

I've got to understand that there is ALWAYS a reason for the significant things in my life. This is just a season that I can't see the end of right now. Looking back, the things that I questioned are the things that God worked out for good. Why would it be any different with this?

I am heartsick, but I'm not ready to give up. And I'm ready to feel the comforting arms of my Father again, instead of running away from them because I feel hurt.

[I am] pressed on every side by troubles, but [I am] not crushed. [I am] perplexed, but not driven to despair.[I am] hunted down, but never abandoned by God. [I] get knocked down, but [I am] not destroyed. Through suffering, [my body] continues to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in [my body]. - 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

It's time to get my boxing gloves on again. Pray for me as I start over again, as I have so many times before. Praise God that He is forgiving and always ready to welcome back His prodigal sons and daughters.

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:13-17).

The ache in my heart

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

-1 Samuel 1:10-11



I want to talk to you about the biggest struggle in my life right now.

I feel like we all personally have those areas in our lives that are more difficult than others.

The areas where it becomes harder and harder to give Sunday school answers to your heart. The area where it's difficult to make your heart coincide with your mind.

I know God loves me. I know that in this area, He has something better than I could ever imagine.

I know this in my mind.
But my hearts still aches with the absence of these dreams being fulfilled.

The struggle I'm referring to is children.

Two years and three months ago, Wesley and I decided we wanted to start trying to have children. It's funny, remembering that I thought birth control was preventing me from having kids. Really, it wouldn't have made any difference if I was on the birth control or not.

Four months into trying, I lost my monthly cycles. I didn't get them back for one year. In between all of that, I was diagnosed with PCOS and Hypothyroidism. A double whammy to affect fertility. I took Clomid, a medication to induce ovulation, for three cycles. I ovulated for two out of three of the medicated cycles, but no pregnancy. Clomid made me crazy. I was depressed, my mood swings were extreme, and I just felt bad. It made every emotion feel like a tidal wave knocking me down. At the end of the last medicated cycle, Wesley and I began praying about pursuing a long-term mission trip overseas. Despite the ache in my heart, I had something to distract myself from the struggle. When we finally decided to go, I felt in my heart that we should stop hardcore trying since we were going to be going overseas anyway.

We left for Thailand in September 2010. Each month I hoped to get pregnant, but we were so busy trying to further the kingdom that my struggle seemed silly compared to spreading the gospel. Yet again, another distraction to help redirect the longing in my heart.

Now we're back in the states, and the ache has intensified. It is almost unbearable sometimes. When it comes, it's like it effects everything--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I literally feel intense pain in my heart, my emotions overtake, and I begin to doubt God. I have days where I do much better than others, but the underlying pain is always there.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "why?" question with God. I have seen so many women from my graduating class go on the have one, sometimes two babies by now. With ease. No worrying about fertility. No struggle. No heartache. I wonder what that must be like.

My cycles are irregular, so each month there's a 50/50 chance I will get my hopes up that I'm pregnant. I wish, more than anything, I could just be regular, and avoid the guessing and eventual disappointment. I wish God could just give me that. This month, I've simply skipped. I went 14 days wondering. Hoping. Wondering if this would be the month. A blood test confirmed the absence of conception, and as always, I fell apart for a little while. How I wish I could just get down "God is GOOD" in every situation. I wish I could stand firm in the face of this pain. But frankly, that is a huge struggle for me. Sometimes, the temptation is to think "God loves me in every area BUT this area." Again, I KNOW that this is not true. But my heart doesn't know, because it hurts.

Lately, we've been thinking about the possibility of adopting an infant from our state. We recently found out about Florida Baptist Childrens Home, which bases the adoption cost on your income. They link you with a mother before the infant is born, and then you would adopt after the child is born. Please pray for us as we continue to explore this as an option. We're trying to search what God is leading us to, and we covet your prayers as we seek His will.
The problem is, Wesley still doesn't have a job. With a biological child, we would have 9 months of preparation. With adoption, after the paperwork and training, it might not be that long before we were approved for a child. And I know we couldn't support a child on my income alone. Yet again, my ache must be tolerated. And honestly, I am sick of this pain. I am sick of feeling like I can't fulfill the ONE thing I know I'm called to. I knew I was called to be a mother from a very young age. Yet it seems it is the one thing that is unattainable in my life right now.

People tell me, lovingly and with good intentions, that God will bless me in His timing. I'm just trying to figure out what to do in the meantime. How to cope.

It is so hard to see the light at the end of this dark season, but I have to remind myself that it IS coming! God wouldn't put this desire in my heart and then not fulfill it!

I wish I could just get this down. It seems like right when I think I might be at peace about this season, I'm flat on my face, crying out before God again. Asking "why, why, why?" when I should be saying "Yes, Lord, your will be done."

I want to be where God is calling me.

Since speaking with some people in positions of leadership at my church, I've discovered something. They had the impression that Wesley and I were biding our time here in Florida until we could go back overseas. I'm sure I gave that impression in our last newsletter, because frankly, that's how I felt. In a way, as silly as it sounded, I felt that by leaving Thailand, I would be leaving the ability for God to move that mightily in my life. I don't know why I thought that. Maybe because I had never seen God do what He did in those four months we spent out of the United States. Maybe because I had never been able to be fully, completely plugged into a church. We loved our last church, and we were plugged in concerning the children's ministry. But truly, wholly feeling as if we were being completely used? Not so much, and especially not compared to how we were being used overseas.

When we arrived in Wesley Chapel, we immediately made efforts to get involved at New Walk, our church. I figured that if I couldn't be where my heart was, I could at least throw myself into ministry and hopefully God would be able to take my mess and make something out of it. I didn't even think about Thailand. I blocked it out of my mind, because thinking about it only brought pain and longing.

But something happened while I was doing all of this. I fell in love. I fell in love with my church, with the people we met. And I began feeling peace. I knew all along that God had called us back; that this was more than just having financial shortcomings that led us back to the United States. But it was difficult for me to accept it. But lately, I have understood so much more why God brought us back when He did.

I have a church that is, above all, passionate about saving lives. In our short time here already, I've been privileged to be a part of an outreach event that led 17 young ladies to the Lord, and led almost all of the 300 + that attended to rededicate their lives to Christ. He brought me back just in time to be a part of that! What's awesome is hearing the testimonies of some people in positions of leadership. To see how this church has trusted God's leading. The youth is rampant with kids who are wholeheartedly PASSIONATE about missions when they've never even been out of the country for missions. They're PASSIONATE about leading their friends to the Lord. All of it is so beautiful.

Not to say New Walk is perfect. No church is, period. But I understand now why God led us back here, to a location we considered as a temporary placement.

In our lives, we can't even begin to speculate where God will have us in five years. To do that would be to underestimate our God. So, when someone asks if we'll be around for a long time, it's difficult to say. God doesn't reveal things in "big picture" fashion to us. The point is, when you trust God and truly follow Him, He will lead you to places you could never imagine. If someone had told me at the beginning of 2009 that in 2010, we would leave our jobs and everything comfortable to live overseas...that would've simply been unbelievable. But after DOING that, I don't put anything past our God anymore. Including settling into a wonderful church. A church that makes me feel like we could actually become Floridians. Does that mean a million pieces of my heart aren't still in Thailand? Of course not. But I've started spreading pieces of my heart here, too. My heart is shared where God is moving. And He is moving everywhere.

Only God knows anything about any of our lives. We are merely additions to the master plan.

Why Keeping Up With the Joneses is a Devastating Motivator

A recent tragedy in our new-found community has my mind reeling.

A soccer mom named Julie Powers Schenecker shot and killed her 16 year old daughter, Calyx, and her 13 year old son, Beau, on January 27th. Her listed reason? She described her children as "mouthy" and was "fed up" with them talking back. She actually shot her son on the way to his soccer practice, stating that he "talked back" on the way to practice. She went home and then shot Calyx while she was doing her homework upstairs. She was found by police the following morning in her bathrobe, covered in her children's blood.

This sounds like a scene straight out of a horror movie. As I watched the footage of Mrs. Schenecker being escorted out of her home, I had so much pity for her. She was shaking uncontrollably, wild-eyed and disheveled, a far cry from who she was to the community. It's difficult to speculate what led up to something as horrific as this. Mrs. Schenecker obviously already had some underlying mental health issues. However, nothing has surfaced stating that she ever sought help for feelings of anger or violence toward her children. As is with a lot of cases, this seemingly came out of nowhere. An upper class military family, both kids involved in athletics with exceptional grades. Despite their mother describing them as "mouthy", teachers and coaches had nothing but good things to say about how well-mannered they were.
As many media outlets have described, when I searched Mrs. Schenecker's Facebook page, it appeared that there were no warning signs. Sure, there were occasional complaints about her children, such as a comment to someone about her daughter, Calyx, going to the DMV to get her learner's permit. She explained that Calyx said she didn't even want to drive if it meant she had to drive the family's Honda Odyssey. Mrs. Schenecker went on to say she couldn't imagine a child being a given car, then saying they didn't want it. She explained that her parents bought her a Chevy wagon for $300 that she had to drive back and forth to college, and she was grateful for it. Quite ironically, Mrs. Schenecker "liked" groups on Facebook titled "If you hurt my daughter, I will make your death look like an accident. :)" and "click 'like' if you love your son!".

Of course, one doesn't expect to see warning signs on Facebook pages, because people normally don't put half of their lives on Facebook.

But family friends also say they saw no warning signs. No indications. No explanations for how something like this could happen. They believe she simply "snapped." However, Mrs. Schenecker bought the gun five days before she killed her children, premeditating their murder.


"Happy Easter to all our friends and family! We are truly blessed..." she wrote last Easter.

It makes you shake your head in disbelief. "How do things like this happen?" is what I always ask myself. And why on earth, if she was experiencing these thoughts, did she not feel she had the freedom to seek help in getting through her emotions?

I can only speculate, as I said before. But I believe, as with so many other things, it came down to appearances. To my current knowledge, no one knew that Mrs. Schenecker was having thoughts of killing her children. Her mother only knew that she'd been feeling "depressed" lately, but no indications beside this. The family lived in a house they purchased for $448,000 in 2008. A gated, country-club community. Communities of pasted-on smiles which time and time again have proved house some of the most miserable families. Am I saying having a lot of money and high status in the community always indicates that a family has major issues? Of course not. But I believe in this case, it was a barrier for Mrs. Schenecker getting the help she needed. I can just see her comparing herself to other moms, probably feeling she was a failure as a mother for hating her children so much. She was even seen on a Facebook comment tearfully envying a mother for her double movie and pizza date with her young daughter. She tried to continue on in her motherly duties when instead she should have reached out and sought help immediately. It is shameful that she didn't feel she could talk to one person in her life about the truthful emotions she was experiencing.

What are we as society doing? We used to know our neighbors past the occasional "hello." We're too busy seeking our own plans for our lives that we don't look around and see how we can help someone else accomplish their plans. I'm reminded of a news story I saw in which a man was BEATEN TO DEATH in front of people, and not one person helped him. Earlier this week, we had lunch with someone from our church, and when the waitress asked me how I was doing, I said "Fine, how are you doing?" while looking her in the eye and smiling. She actually seemed taken back by this. She said "fine, thank you for asking!" She seemed surprised I cared to ask. What is happening that we can't even have a ten second, meaningful greeting with someone who is serving us our food?! Why can't we do MORE than this?!

I remember the movie Pay It Forward. It's been forever since I've seen it, but I remember the general idea of it. I thought "THAT is what I've been missing in this life. I want to do THAT." And THAT is a picture of Jesus: LOOKING for ways to serve others; not just waiting when an opportunity conveniently falls into our lap. Actually seeking out need. If we seek out need in our community, believe me, it will only take a couple of blocks to find it.

I watched an episode on Oprah this week about wounded soldiers. Try to forget I was watching Oprah (ha), and listen to the following: do you realize that, aside from the initial homecoming, most wounded soldiers don't receive follow-up care from anyone beside their immediate family? No outside help. Most families have to sell all they own to help care for their wounded relatives. While I know I personally can't completely take care of all the needs, it's not that hard for me to cook up some meals to take to the family so that's one less thing they have to worry about. Or to ask if once a week, may I take care of any errands the family needs? You may react to this as "Well, that would be great if I knew anyone that had a wounded soldier in their family." But I believe that's the point! To find someone you don't know well, go to them, and say "What can I do to help?" Then, there's no motivation except that you simply want to help them.

Even if it's as simple as noticing someone in your neighborhood that has several kids, and cooking a casserole and bringing it to them one night. I know that sounds so cliche, and yes, people may look at you strangely, but if you cultivate that relationship, then the people will begin to know and trust you as a person that's genuinely nice. This is the first door that can be opened for sharing Christ! It's so simple!

My personal challenge to myself is I want to get involved in helping wounded soldiers. Most of the time, the paper will announce when wounded soldiers are coming to your community. I did a google "wounded soldiers in tampa" and found at least one family with contacts that I want to bless. I am going to get in touch with the family via the mother's blog (she is blogging about her son's story) and ask what I can do to help. Even if I hadn't found the blog, I probably would've looked up the family in the phone book, or looked around further. I will definitely update you all concerning this!

My challenge to you this week is: start looking for need in your community. I promise, you will find something, even if it's on a "small" scale (but big in God's eyes) that you can do. I remember this cheesy Hallmark commercial that would always make me cry. It was when a middle-aged woman next door left a card in an elderly woman's mailbox. She had noticed the elderly woman checked her mail every day, but never received anything. So the woman across the street left a simple card, letting the woman know she was loved. The middle-aged woman's son brought a mason jar of soup over to his mom the next day, and said "The lady across the street told me to give this to you. I think she was crying." How beautiful. If we would only open our eyes and actually look around when we're out and about, really seeing people...God would speak to our hearts. He will tell us what to do.

The difference between wishing and believing

Our pastor in Thailand, Pastor Nathan Gonmei at Abundant Grace Church*, fed us so well while we were in Chiang Mai. His messages were specifically focused toward increasing our faith. This was definitely something I needed and continue to need daily. One thing he said has remained with me.

"The difference between wishing and believing is faith.
Wishing is hoping for something.
Believing is expecting you're going to receive it."

This statement has changed my outlook on so many things. God calls us to believe we will receive what we ask for (Matthew 21:22, Mark 11:24).

God promises to reward those who have faith, believing and diligently seeking Him (Hebrews 11:6).

God promises that the power of our faith more than a mustard seed can move mountains (Matthew 17:20)

Even though sometimes we can't see what we believe for, we must continue to believe for it (Hebrews 11:1)

God promises to make our faith stronger through trials that bring about steadfastness, patience, and endurance (James 1:3, 1 Peter 1:7).

If we are just, we should live by faith (Romans 1:17).

***
My faith walk continues to be strengthened every day. My biggest obstacles are my feelings.

God allows us to have feelings, of course. But letting those feelings rule over what God has promised to us is not the way to live by faith. It's not the way to believe. So, when I start to feel a certain way about something, I have to immediately rein in those feelings and submit them to God. Otherwise, my feelings become what I believe, and for me to trust my feelings as truth is extremely dangerous, not to mention completely inaccurate. There are entire Psalms where David is questioning whether God will protect Him, and he had a pretty darn good excuse to feel that way. But He trusted the Lord based on what the Lord had promised to Him before the hard times.

To help keep myself focused, I have come up with a short list of things I am believing for. I am asking for your agreement in these things for me (Matthew 18:19).

1) A continued strong relationship with God, fruitful and contagious :)

2) To conceive in the year 2011. We have been trying for 2 years. This is the area that I am both weakest and strongest in. It is the area I've worked the hardest in building my faith and belief, but succumbing to my emotions can easily make that foundation crumble.

3) To NOT financially struggle this year. We have several financial needs, including paying off school debt, obtaining health insurance and paying that monthly, and having enough left over to also contribute to my mother's household. She is struggling as well, and we want to be a blessing to her as she lets us stay with her. The long-term goal is to of course have enough income to support ourselves for international mission work.

4) To end the year healthier than I began. I plan to work at becoming more active and losing more weight. I lost about 8 pounds while in Thailand. My realistic goal is 10-15 more pounds.

5) To simply enjoy life, while always looking for ways to share Christ. So many times, we become focused in our own lives, forgetting the turmoil going on all around us. Living a missionary life forces you to become more others-minded. I loved it. I don't want that to fade. I want to grow it. If you need anything, PLEASE let me know! I need plenty of practice!

6) To strengthen my gift of intercessory prayer. God laid it on my heart that I had this gift about four years ago. I began exercising this overseas, and it was Spirit-breathed. I don't want to lose this spiritual gift that my Father has blessed me with. It's too special not to use. If you have any prayer requests, please send them my way!


I BELIEVE that I will receive these six things!

What are you believing for? I want to be a partner in agreement with you!




*when you have a day that you can sit and listen to a longer message (since all of the messages are also translated into Thai) I encourage you to PLEASE listen to some of Pastor Nathan's sermons. I PROMISE, you won't regret it. His Biblical teaching was a rock for me during our time overseas.

Testing the waters

Since returning to the states on January 6th, 2011, my life has been a whirlwind of trial and error.

Trial - Wondering if thinking back to Thailand too much will cause me to not adjust well to the U.S.

Error - Since this is the case, I honestly haven't been able to bring myself to think of Thailand too much these days. It just hurts my heart right now. I'm hoping that one day soon this will pass, because I love experiencing my memories from Thailand. I can revisit bits and pieces of my journey there, but dwelling brings sadness and longing.

Trial - Believing that we would get professional jobs fairly easily as soon as we got back to the states.

Error - This was definitely not true. But I will joyfully work full time at Cracker Barrel if this is God's plan. (interview there tomorrow!)

Trial - I will get things done if I don't set a schedule for myself

Error - This is so not true. I need discipline, and a schedule. I MUST live with purpose.

Trial - Being overseas helped me become more outgoing, therefore it's easier for me to make friends than before.

Error - While part of this is true, no matter how many friends I make, they won't 100% relate to me because they weren't there with me for those four months. This is the elephant in the room, and I don't know how to verbalize my journey very well.

Trial - Believing I could somehow become content in any situation since I went through so much in Asia.

Error - Mostly true, although I did subconsciously resolve to dislike Florida when I first got here. It's growing on me, though. The 70 + degree weather in January is helping some :) I think because it reminds me of Asia.

I didn't expect to just go back to the way things were. Besides the fact that I'm living in a state I've never lived in before, there's the obvious factor of adapting to a different culture. I have Asian blood in me now.

Having images like this in my head and in my heart will never let me be the same.